


Fingolfin's diary from Helcaraxë

by Alannada



Series: Fingolfin's Diaries [2]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Cold, Diary/Journal, Exile, Feanor's a jerk, Gen, Helcaraxë, Multi, The Noldor, Travel, Valinor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 13:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2735117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alannada/pseuds/Alannada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[COMPLETE] We know so little about Helcaraxë and things that happened there. But what if there was a source of information about it - a diary of the second son of Finwë? Now you can see his most private diary, see what he was thinking, how he described the whole journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day one - The distant light

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been thinking about this fic for some time and today decided to post the first entry.

Do you know how it feels when your brother hates you? Do you know how it feels when the other brother decides to leave you and return home? They will probably think later that I hated my brothers, but it isn't true.  
I love Arafinwë with all my heart. He is wise and kind, his heart is full of love and care. I know he will make a great leader of those who remained in Tirion. He will surely become a great successor to our father. His presence at my side during the march keept me optimistic, but the knowledge he's safe brings me joy and relief. I will take care of your children, Ara.  
And I love Fëanáro, my brother, my king, my traitor. When we saw that he had taken the ships we wanted to hope that he would send them back. But that night we saw a great light in the East - the light of our hopes vanishing in flames. I held Itarillë as we looked at the light. An elf came closer to us and bowed his head asking me what we should do now.  
He called me the High King.  
And when I saw all the elves around me looking at me with confusion amd hope I realized that I must protect them, lead them to our destination - Middle-Earth, the land of the Awakening of our race. Fëanáro failed as their king, he left them to perish, not thinking about them twice, so they turned to me, his brother, son of Finwë, Ñolofinwë Aracáno. I thought: Look, Fëanáro, you made all your fears come true. You didn't want me or Ara to "take your place". Now we are kings of the Noldor and you are a traitor, hated by the majority of the people you should rule, talented son of Finwë. I wish to look into your face once more and ask why you did that. But honestly I never saw you as a future king, you were always too egocentric and focused at your creations, not the people around you.  
I made my decision... No, I chose the way I had to choose. We will continue our march North and go to Middle-Earth. We cannot return, we payed too big a price already - not only with our blood. We are sinners in the eyes of many and I cannot disagree with them. We are doomed to shed unnumbered tears in Middle-Earth, but we are the Noldor, the bold and wise elves. And even if our creations in Beleriand were destined to fade... That doesn't mean we shouldn't create them. My people carry many desires and dreams they wish to fulfill there, my children and nephews want to create their own lands and grow in wisdom in the land of Beleriand.  
Even I have a desire - I want to ask Fëanáro why he decided to make the light the sign of treachery.


	2. Day sixteen - the scouts returned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingolfin's scouts returned with their reports and the new High King writes down a bit about his plans and the new organization of his host

We remained in the camp which we made before Fëanáro left us in this wasteland. The Noldor who remained on this shore turned to me and I started to rule them. They needed a leader. Without organization we all would die here, alone. I never wanted to be a king, I wanted to be an advisor. Maybe sometimes I was teasing my older brother by telling him that I think I'd be a better king than him, but I never really meant that I'd be in fact a good king. I just always thought he wasn't the right elf to be the High King. Being a king is to find ways for others to follow, create laws, give orders and care for others. It is a duty which requires tact, charismatic personality and patience to deal with all those stubborn people who'd not obey orders and laws willingly. I am now responsible for them all, those I care for and those I dislike. I hope I am a right person to lead the Noldor, because if not we all will face the Judge of Arda rather quickly.  
Immediately after becoming the High King I called my children, nephews and some of the lords of the Noldor. I told them about our situation and that we must go North and cross the Helcaraxë to find our way to Beleriand and the rest of Middle-Earth. I told them that they wanted to go there to have their own dwellings, their kingdoms to rule and Artanis stood up to agree with me. Fair and strong-willed is Arafinwë's daughter and I know she will be a great queen one day (but she needs to work on her patience). I told them that I want them to start their ruling this day, in this wasteland.  
The great group of elves needs order and I think I found a good way to solve this problem. I divided the Noldor to smaller groups and each of "my kings and queens" became a leader of one group. This way we will have a chance to keep order, move faster and they will train their skills. They must give me reports and obey my orders, but they are responsible for their decissions. We let the Noldor know who is the ruler of which host and let them migrate between them for two days. Now they must obey all orders from their leaders and can move to another group only when their old and new leader allow them.  
First order I gave as the High King was to send scouts to the West and the North. They had one mission - to see what is before and around us. Before we will start our march we need to prepare oueselves. Those who remained in the camp were hunting, fishing and prepaing sleeds and food. We also tried to make as many warm clothes and blankets as we could.  
Two days ago the scouts from the North returned. They were exhausted so we let them rest and have some sleep before they reported what they saw. On the North they saw great fields of ice, where nothing green growing there. This land is terribly cold and there are great mountains of stones around which poisoned mists are flowing. The scouts warned us that this land is not for weak or stupid ones. But there is life - white animals similar to foxes and bears from Valinor. And strange grey creatures who hunt fishes and then lay on the ice. We must be very careful, but I believe we can travel through this land. It will not be easy journey.  
Not long after the first group of the scouts returned the second one, from the West. According to their words on the West is a great steppe which had no end. There are herds of deers and great cows with long fur. There are small woods and streams, but the land isn't too welcoming. The scouts noticed wolves and I am sure there are other predators who hunt for the cows and the deers.  
After a council with my kings and queens I decided we should send some of our hunters there. We need meat and other things. Furs for example. Our scouts warned us that the North is colder than we can imagine and I think no one will complain for the weight of a blanket or two.  
I am worried. Many of us brought horses. They are proud, strong and intelligent creatures but I am afraid they will not survive the journey. If we want to take them with us we need to take food for them too. I don't know how long the journey will take, but it will be surely long. We need to take many other things and there can be no way for us to take hay. We also need grains to make bread. But the horses can pull the sleeds. I must to think about this matter for a while longer. There are many dogs with us and even if they're usually hunt dogs I think we can teach them to pull the sleeds like horses do.  
I am at the same time excited and afraid. The great field of ice and mist is a challenge, a challenge from this world. It looks fo me like a test. If we come to Beleriand, if we prove we're worthy, we will be free and we will start our life again. At least some of us.


	3. Day 155 - The camp under an iceneedle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long months after the Noldor started to walk North the High King finds a while to write about some things they found and invented. The darkest days are still before him.

We forgot what the words "safe" and "hot" mean. This land is merciless, one mistake can cost your life - or lifes of your companions. Warmth is something which is more precious than jewels. The journey united us, everyone wants to be close to others - not only for warmth and safety, but also to chase away the feeling that we're alone, lost, forgotten. Fëanáro surely thinks we are all dead or returned to Valinor. I am curious if he already fought with Morgoth... And I wonder what happened to Arafinwë - did he returned safely and what happens in Tirion right now. I miss the light of my life, my Anairë. I am at the same time happy that she and Ara didn't follow us and sad because of that. Sad - because I love them and miss them so much. Glad because they don't suffer the cold. I wonder how Valinor looks like now, what happens between three tribe of the elves.  
The land around us is white, black and blue, the sky is grey or dark blue, with silver dots of stars. The water is black in cracks in the ice. The wind is cold and sneaks under clothes. Colors of our robes seem to fade to black and grey, but we don't care as long as those clothes can keep us warm. I miss the red color of Fëanáro's mantle and all those colors of spring and joy. But I keep reminding myself: one day we will see all those colors again. We will build new houses and there will be children, laughing and playing around.  
Divisions are walking slowly, it is not easy to find our way through the snow and ice, mists and storms sometimes prevent us from walking for days. One could say that Manwë tries to stop us, but I think he forgot about this iceland. He is not one of those who wants to force others to do what they want.  
A week after we started this march and left the first camp we, the leaders, met to talk and find a way to make this journey more organized. Turukáno came up with a briliant idea and now we are moving faster. One division leaves the camp on the morning of the first day and walks as long as they can - it is usually two days and one night. Then they stop and make a new camp. They wait there for the rest who follow them - a division leaves the first camp three hours after the former group. We think about making those gaps bigger later, but they're good for now. After resting for a while the founders of the second camp and the next group who follows them will make more shelters for the rest who follow them. We're staying in one place for a day or two, hunting and repairing our things before the division who came there as the second one leaves. We're using stars and signs left on high places to navigate so we cannot lose our friends even when a storm happens. And many times we can see the group ahead, so it is quite easy to follow them. From time to time we're making camps for longer time - like this one we're right now in - to collect more food and useful stuff, spend time together and rest. This one we are in now is quite comfortable, a great iceneedle guards it from the North and our hunters can navigate easier thanks to it.  
We prepared ourelves and made tents from skins of great cows, but while wandering we started to use an another option - we're building tents from ice and snow - like those children make during snowy winters in Tirion. That was Angaráto's idea and I find those ice-houses quite effective. Cold wind stays outside and when you make a fire inside of such a building you can warm yourself. We also raise great walls around our villages - those camps in which we stay for longer time.  
Walls are important, becaise there are many dangers here, in this land, some of them walk on four legs and think an elf can be a good meal. We're building big tents from snow and ice now, saving skins from former tents for other things - like beds or covers. We're sleeping in groups, because it is warmer that way. And larger tents let us save more wood and lamps.  
It is hard to find things we can burn - there is no wood unless we find pieces of it carried here by the sea. It is very hard to find it and it is very precious. Luckily from time to time we find something Artanis calls mountains which someone removed from better places and threw here - islands of rocks and real mountains towering above the iceland. Some of them are volcanes which produce poisonous mists. Those places are always a blessing for us - we can find there moss and lichen, which we collect - it helps us to start a new fire. From time to time we find coal in those rocky places - I think that it was discarded here when the Lamps fell and the Valar were busy reorganizing the world. Now it saves our life - when we find such a treasure we make a village nearby and collect as much of coal as we can. We can also have at least a few warm days. We must be just careful about those mists, it is not always easy to see them, but usually we can smell the nasty smell of the poison in the air. Another thing - we made lamps: bowls made of stone and filled with animal fat. One can even cook above such a lamp or bake things on the edge of it.  
Many of the elves died - mostly because they weren't careful enough. Some breathed the mist, some died because of the bitter cold, there were many who fell into the water and we couldn't rescue them. Those who remained are cautious now, always focused at what they're doing and what's happening around them. We cry for those who died and hope one day we will meet again.  
Days in the North are hard, cold and dark, but we are the Noldor and we will survive. I know we will find spring and joy, even if the Doom is laid on our heads. We are creative and wise, we will find our way always. I believe this journey will make us stronger, fearless and will make our hastiness smaller. 

(Later, the same day)

When I was patrolling the camp I heard someone singing. I went to see who it was and found Findaráto singing an old song about the winter passing and season changing and a circle of other elves listening to him. He cannot play his harp (metal hates cold almost as greatly as flesh so we keep our metal things hidden and wrapped in something unless they're really needed) but his voice is still strong and enchanting. And I could hear one thing in his song - hope. We managed to survive so many weeks in this land already, we learned and still lear about our strength and borders. Even in those dark days the Noldorin will is still strong and our hearts are full of hope.  
One day we will reach Beleriand. One day everyone will hear the tale about the brave elves who dared to do what no one did before.


	4. Day 272 - The beasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingolfin makes a new entry long weeks after leaving the camp under the iceneedle. The Noldor are moving forward, but the North is a deadly region. Ñolofinwë describes another dangers of Helcaraxë.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that took a while, but there were things in my life which kept me away from this fic. Next chapters will appear soon. And they'll be angsty. You're warned.

The North seems to be a dead land, where only we are wandering between hills of snow and cracks in the ground. One could think there will be no life here, just wind howling in darkness. That isn't true.   
There are beings created by Yavanna living here. Many of them are creatures who spend majority of their life in the water, where they can find food easier. Beside fishes we found here seals, walruses, white bears, foxes and wolves. There are also other beings, but rarely we can see them. They hunt for us and we hunt for them. You cannot leave a camp in a small group of elves and you must be always careful, watchful. Walls which we make are preventing the beasts from attacking us in the capms, but we must leave some people to guard them. It seems some of the beasts dwelling in the mists are not afraid of fire, luckily our hymns to the Powers are keeping them at bay. It seems the Valar are helping us after all.   
Luckily we have many dogs - our precious friends and guards. They are not only warning us about dangers but also pulling sleeds with our things (but still almost everyone has a thing they must carry or pull) Dogs go with us to hunt and they are now only one animals we have.  
Sadly we couldn't keep any animal which doesn't eat meat. Food for them would be too great burden. We tried to take our horses and some furry cows from Aman, but soon we realized they cannot feed themselves and we must kill and eat them if we want to survive. I regret that we must do that, many of us feel sorrow because they lost their beloved friends. But we had no other option, we had no choice after the day when Fëanáro left us alone. The people are more and more angry at my older brother and his sons, those who betrayed us. I must talk to Findekáno and Írissë - they seem to be greatly upset with their friends and cousins who left them like that. I understand them, but we must remembeer to put our emotions aside and focus at surviving.  
I miss Rochallor... I miss him even more lately because I cannot walk without two sticks. A polar bear attacked my group when we were fishing near to the camp. The beast sneaked close to us, walking behind hills of snow. Our dog, Alarim, noticed him when it was almost too late. Poor, brave Alarim died in a second, but this second was very precious to me - I raised my weapon and wasn't but a defenceless prey. After a horrible duel which will surely come back to me in my dreams I killed the beast, but the bear managed to dig it's claws into my hip. I will be alright, but the wound aches and prevents me from being as active as I would like to. I feel guilty that I let the bear hurt me. Findekáno took off bear's skin and made a coat which I gave to my grandaughter. I hope she feels warmer now.

(Later, the same day)

Fëanáro, you bastard, you hasty, stubborn, selfish bastard.


	5. Unknown date - Elenwë

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months are passing and the journeying Noldor are still on their way. The North is cold and merciless. Some of them die. Members of their families die. No leader can protect all their subjects and must to deal with that.

I cannot count days. I don't care about the date. I needed some time before I could write down what happened and I do that mostly because I hope it would make my pain and sorrow fade a bit. I must stay strong and calm to help those who are under my protection.  
Turukáno's division was close to the next camp, mine was the one to follow them and after mine there was only Findaráto's host. And it was me who found Turukáno and his followers on an edge of the sea. We were surprised why they stopped here, but not for too long.  
Two men were holding my son and four more were around him, guarding him and my granddaughter who was clinging to his side. Their robes and hair were wet, dripping with water and some of the elves around them gave their cloaks to cover them. Both were crying and as I came closer Turukáno tried to run in direction of the black, cold water nearby. He pushed aside all of them - I've never seen him being so strong and determined to break free. Then he fell into my arms for I had stopped between him and the water. He looked up into my face, not recognizing me at first. And then, as I held him close, he told me everything. Itarillë came to my side when he was talking and I held them both close to myself, not minding my robes becoming wet with the water and their tears. I was too shocked to cry before we got to the camp.  
I am still not ready to write down the tale which I heard that day. Yet I must tell what happened for it would help my spirit free itself from at least a part of the sorrow (Lalwen says I should talk more about my problems or at least write them down to sort my thoughts) So I am here, sitting in a camp, guarding my sleeping children, making sure the snow tent is warm enough for them and trying to find the right words.  
Elenwë died. The ice under her feet cracked into pieces and she fell into the water. To be precise - it cracked under her and Itarillë as they were walking. Turukáno jumped into the water immediately and managed to save his child, bringing her to the surface so others could drag her out the water while he was trying to find Elenwë.  
He was appearing above the surface of the water to take a breath four times before the rest dragged him out of the sea. He didn't want to stop searching, but smeone had made him to wrap a rope aroud his waist before and they used it now to bring him out of the water. Two other elves were searching with him and after them three new ones risked their lives in cold, dark realm of Ulmo.  
Yet they found nothing. As if my lovely daughter-in-law never fell in.   
I know it sounds stuppid and irrational, but I blame myself and my brother for what happened. He was supposed to be our king and lead us, yet he decided to leave us behind because his briliant mind was too good to be wasted for ordinary problems and needs of his people. And I... I shouldn't let them go. I should beg them to follow Arafinwë back to Valinor. I know the Valar are merciful and the Teleri are wise.   
It is not like Elenwë was the first one who fell into the dark water never to come out it, yet the first time this fate touched my family. So many died in my name, following my desire to see the Eastern Lands. So many was killed by beasts or cold, mist or other things lurking in the darkness. I could lead them back to Aman and they'd follow me there. I could order my children to return and put their dreams away. I could.  
And I didn't do that.   
I made them all suffer pain, hunger and above all - cold. I made them die and mourn for their beloved ones. I drag them through all of this because of desires we share, because of dreams about the new life in Beleriand, the true homeland of Quendi. I made them follow the mist, a promise of a new beginning, and pay for that such a high price.  
How can I think I am a better leader than Fëanáro? What should I do now? I cannot turn back, that would break their spirits, they live only because of their hope for a new day, a new life. I cannot take that from them. I must find my courage and hope, I must lead them to the land of their dreams. I cannot loose faith or turn back because too many paid such a high price for that. Maybe our journey will end between Ice and Mist, in this cold land, but we must at least try. In honor of all those who died trying. I must believe in that because a leader without a vision in their heart will never achive success.  
Anairë, I know you are safe in Aman. I miss you dearly, my love, and at the same time I am glad you aren't here - I don't know how I could look into your eyes. I pray to the Valar to see you again one day and just hold you in my arms. Elenwë, sweet singer with voice as golden as your hair - please, forgive us - those who made you follow this dark, cold path. I believe you're in Mandos now, not feeling pain nor cold. All of you, who died, please, forgive me for being not able to save you. Know I will never forget you.


	6. Unknown date - No title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey changes the wanderer. The same happens to the Noldor

That's all we have - a glimpse of hope that we can do that. That we can survive. That our dreams will come true one day and we will start a new life in Beleriand.When I read the old entries from this diary I feel like reading a journal of an another elf. I had so great faith and was so sure about so many things... So optimistic. Like a naive child who speaks of darkness under mountains without even knowing a shadow.  
The Ice and Mist broke us and remade our spirits - we are no longer the same Noldor who were looking at the red light in the sky, above the place whence no ship came back. I can see the change in my children and nephews - it is easy to see changes in those you love.  
Turukáno is now grim and protective, cautious and not willing to take any risk. Findaráto grew proud and leads his host as skillfully as Findekáno, who still remembers Nelyafinwë's friendship. Artanis, Irissë and Lalwendë are full of energy and good ideas. Luckily Itarillë stays around them almost the whole time so she can learn and forget the fate of her mother. Arakáno and Arafinwë's younger sons do their best to remind us from time to time what the laughter is. Our people are united, even if majority of our time we spend divided we are still one tribe, the Noldor. 

The last night I was talking to Lal again. It was one of those rare moments of talking about the future. I always try to avoid such talks because I prefer to focus on staying alive, not planning details of my distant future. Yet I know others need to have something before them, a destination to which they can go.  
"We know what the rest of the House wants," she said when we were sitting together under a mantle made from a white bear's skin. "But I haven't heard yet what you desire to do in the Eastern Lands, Aracáno. You already told me why you followed our brother and didn't turn back when he betrayed us. But what do you want to do now?"  
That's a good question. Bringing Morgoth down will take a long time for he is a mighty Ainu, probably we need to find allies to destroy him. Yet I desire to face someone else before bringing him down.  
Fëanáro, I hope that you have your precious Silarili back because I want to put them right into your throat the moment I see you.


	7. Unknown date - I will never again smile at the sight of the first snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cold is the North and knows no mercy. The Noldor are dying. Their leader is making a short note in his diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaargh, it took forever. Thank you for your patience <3

The time is but a term from the past, along with the words „spring”, „comfort” and „a day”. We all lost the count of days and many of us think we're wandering through the Ice for ages. How to measure time when there is no light of the Trees? The stars are looking down at us, following their paths - we are trying to adjust ourselves to their rotation above our heads.  
Many of us lost too much and faded. We couldn't do anything more for them aside of burying their bodies under rocks to prevent predators from eating them. I do hope they are safe in Mandos and the Valar will let them be reborn one day. Coldness seems to sneak under our skin and into our minds. Even Lalwendë doesn't laugh - the one who was always so strong willed, so optimistic. She clings to Aredhel near to me right now. Many of us sit in groups to keep each other warm. When a person has no one to sit next to there are always groups willing to welcome them. It is good to see those signs of unification among the Noldor. If we want to survive we must stay together, no matter what.  
And there is more and more people who lost their beloved ones. We all must deal with the loss and sorrow. The only thing that makes our hearts lighter is the knowledge, that our beloved ones are in Mandos now, safe in Namo's keep. But we don't know what will happen to them. Would they be sentenced to spend eternity in the grim Halls of Mandos?  
Those who remain are strong, stern, their fear are bright like the starlight mirroring in the ice. I hope we will learn how to laugh after this march's end.  
Every day I pray for the lands of Endore to spread before us. I pray for a dark, distant line of green on the horizon - the sign that the end of our journey is close. I know many lost their faith, but I don't want to give up. Those who lose faith and hope are those who will fade soon. Only the strong ones can manage to survive this horror. Yet each day we see just the white desert, cold and merciless. There is beauty in it, in the glow of the stars on the ice - but this is a deadly beauty.  
I will never again smile at the sight of the first snow.  
It is hard not to hate this cold, dead land we're crossing. It is hard not to hate Feanaro, who caused this whole thing. He made the Noldor leave Valinor in such a haste, agains the will of the Valar. And then he left us behind.  
I know many think he did good because he freed us from the Valarin influence, opened a new door for us. Yet... I have this feeling we could achive that without arguing, by more diplomatic methods.  
And now we are here, left by everyone to die and be forgotten forever. Unless we survive.  
Hope makes us stand up and walk every day, hope and stubborness. There is no one to help us, even Varda's stars seem to be so far above us, so cold... Like the ice under our feet. Yet they're guiding us, showing us the right direction. I feel as if in this silent land Varda is listening to us, to our prayers, to our suffering and doing her best to help us. We have only the starlight to remember who we once were.


	8. The day of the Wanderer - The sign from the Valar?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it Telperion? Rather not, it is dead. So... What is it...?

I still am shocked and need all my willpower not to stare skywards. I want to write that down before the emotions in my heart fade. I want to have those feelings and the description of this event written before Helcaraxë can take this joy from me and freeze it as it did with almost all my joys so many days ago. I want to have this entry full of merriment, wonder and hope - this way I will remember this day forever as it is.

We were sitting around a small fire. During the past few weeks we were feeling less cold, probably our bodies at last started to adjust to low temperature. 

"Maybe one day we all will wander across the iceland wearing only skirts and short pants?" - that was what Írissë said to Artanis replied with: "Yeah, and barefoot. I am tired of wearing those boots, really!"

We were preparing for the meeting of the lords because in two days we would return to march in divided groups. Those groups are smaller than they once were - so many died during our march! And since there were no children born among us... I can only pray to the Allfather for this march to end before there is no one to march. 

So - we were sitting in a circle, waiting for everyone to come and join us so we could start talking about the matters of the Noldor.  
And then I noticed it. I wasn't the first one - Angaráto was already staring Westwards, his mouth open as if he wanted to sa something and forget all his words.

I turned my head and spotted it easily - the Western horizon was glowing faintly, as if countless stars were just below it. All my companions fell silent, noticing it as well. What it was? It was so beautiful we could only stare, not able to move or to say a word for a long time. The people, who were around other fires fell silent as well and the camp was sounless as if we all were but statues of stone, eyes of us all fixed on the mysterious light.

"Telperion..." Findaráto started slowly and fell silent. Telperion is long dead, his light lost for Arda. So what it was, this glow, so similar to the light of the Tree? Could it be that the Valar managed to bring the Two Trees back to life? Confusion filled my heart.

And then the glow became even brighter. Minutes passed and the strange object emerged from beyond the horizon - bigger than any star, brighter and... And so dear to us - it was so similar to the light of Telperion...

All memories of Valinor came to me, flooding my heart and mind. Countless nights spent with Anaire, our children and friends... Laughter, music, warmth...  
The snow around us turned silver, glittering more than in the starlight. It was as if there were diamonds and crystals all over it. A breathtaking sight it was - the round object wandering up the sky above the land reflecting its light. I looked around - my people were staring at it as if they were all hipnotized by it. Were they thinking about their past? 

Findekáno came to my side, silent and calm.

"Father," he spoke. "Is that as sign from the Valar?"

This question made some of the elves nearby look at me. I was their High King, the oldest of the House of Finwë, their leader for so long.

I didn't reply at first, turning my gaze to the strange object.

"That is a gift of light to us all," I said. "Not only to us, I think, but to the lands of Middle-Earth as well."

"Do you think we're close, uncle?" Findaráto stood beside Findekáno. In the light of the celestial object he was looking much like young Arafinwë, my beloved brother.

"Maybe. We should not let a false hope could our minds," I turned my back at the object and faced my people. "Yet I think it is a good sign, we should not fear it. May us find joy in it. The council will be held in two hours, use this time to your liking."

I needed this time not only to express my joy by singing with others. I needed to take control of my memories and feelings which this thing in the sky awoke - the longing, the sorrow, the loss. It was like blood returning to run through veins of a limb bent in a wrong way - small pangs of pain, but also the feeling of life returning to the flesh. I think we all felt the same during this time of observing this new object wander Eastwards. This path in the sky is resembling ours through the Ice - is it a sign? 

Now the council will start within a few minutes. I am calm now, yet my heart is light - lighter than it was through so many days. I feel stronger, full of energy, hope and eagerness to start marching. No matter if the Wanderer would appear again or not - it already brought us back from the numbness of our existence. We are again those elves who had left Valinor, our desires, emotions and fear awoke - at last.

~last words are hard to read, ink is blurred here and there as if there were drops of water falling on it~  
Varda and all of you, who brought this Wanderer to the sky - thank you.


	9. The Day of the First Dawn - The sky on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the longest winter the spring comes

Seven times Rána passed above us, following various paths. They were mostly from te West to East and back again, but no one could predict if it'd follow this way on the Northern side of the sky or the Southern, or maybe even just above our heads. It did it once and I must confess I am thrilled to find the pattern in Rána's ways. Maybe one day.

But now that is a minor thing, a thing to do later. Now it is not the time for it. Now it is the time of the sky on fire.

That happened a few hours ago, when the Moon was just above the Eastern horizon, our shadows behind us as we were marching - lately there were no cracks in the ice leading to the black water of the sea and more isles of rocks, so we were travelling all together, all groups following their leaders. All groups were so close to each other that we felt as one host again. 

It made us feel stronger. It might seem odd, but we felt more unite than even, after all those years of being divided and seeing other groups just in the camps. My children and Arvo's children grew up a lot during those years. They became lords and ladies of the Noldor, able to act in any situation, make choices in matter of seconds, protect and care for their people. I am proud to look at them - their fear are stronger than ever. And our people just like their lords - able to laugh and fight, go through anything, face anything. There is no fear in their hearts and they were loyal to their leaders. I am so proud that I am a part of the Noldorin tribe. I know there is still the Doom, but I don't care, I know we will follow our dreams, no matter what. But maybe I should focus on writing down what happened.

The Moon is a sign of the Valar, we know that. It brought us a new hope. Our journey is coming to an end - we feel that every time we look at the Moon up in the sky. I feel as if waking up from a long, tiring sleep. I know there are many dangers and wonders in the lands of Middle-Earth, but I know we will do our best and follow our dreams. No matter what will happen.

As I said - we were walking through the ice, between hills of snow. It was like following a silver path of moonlight and it was hard not to think how it'd feel to wander on the ray of light into the skies. Would I meet Ilmare there?

Yet suddenly the silver light mixed with golden and I felt a pang of pain in my heart, it was just like the glow of the Two Trees, mixed in those hours of dawn and dusk. Many of my people noticed it too and we turned around to look to the West.

"Ai, Valar, what is it?!" some nis cried behind my back, in awe and confusion.

"The ice burns?" a ner beside me frowned. "Nay... It is..."

It was like an orb of pure golden light, so intense we needed to look away just after a second. At first it was more reddish, but as the orb started to move up slowly the glow became brighter. We were staring in it's direction in silence for a few minutes, watching the skies around it burn with colors - orange and light blue, even lavender.

"It is like Laurelin," Artanis stood beside me. Her silver gloden hair seemed to shine with light of its own. "It is just like the Moon is like Telperion. I think..." she felt silent for a moment. "They decded to share what is left of the light of the Trees with us all."

"It is fair, since the Eastern lands were in darkness," an old ner nodded. It seemed he was one of the first elves, one of those who had no parents. There were a bunch of them among us, desiring to see Middle-Earth again. "Only Varda remembered to share her light with the whole Arda, Yavanna chose to plant her Trees behind Pelori, where they would be safe..."

"Except they weren't," Lalwen spoke. "As our father and king wasn't safe there. He died in so called Undying Land."

I was silent, listening to many talks like this one. Voices were filling the air. The golden orb's light was warm and strong, much brighter than the Moon's. I turned around to shield my eyes from it and gasped.

Those, who heard my gasp, turned to look at what I was looking.

Far, far in the distance Isil was hiding behind tall mountains. Grey and green, covered with forests. A new day came, a new age.

"Noldor!" I cried, so as many as possible could hear me. "The Valar share the ramainings of the Light of the Trees with us! They graced the day of our arrival to Beleriand with the golden light of Laurelin! Forward, my friends, let us wander in the land of our desires in the light of Laurelin!"

And that is exactly what we did - we retutned to march, shielding our eyes from the light reflected on the white surface of the ice with pieces of fabric. Happy voices were ringing around me, again laughing and singing songs of old. 

We achived our goal. At last we are in Beleriand. Now we must find a place to live and buind a new home. 

I am troubled. Lal says we should find the other host of the Noldor before finding a place to live. She wants to beat Feanaro senseless and I must confess I want that too. Yet we are tired and we need to rest first. Maybe we will find a place to create a camp from which we will start to send scouts to find a good, empty land. I am a bit afraid to meet the other Noldor right now. My people are full of desire to follow Lal's exaple and find their friends and relatives among Feanaro's host to show them how displeased they are with them. I don't want them to fight, but I understand them entirely. We lost so much because of Feanaro's selfish act! So many lives, so much time! Yet I feel it is not the time to fight within our ranks, we have a common enemy to face and an unknown land to explore. 

Anar and Isil are the signs of the love of the Valar. The Doomsman laid the Doom on us, but they didn't turn their backs at us entirely. We will show them we were right and remain faithful. We will show them we are not stubborn children, but independent adults, who can and want take care of our own.


	10. Eight Day of First Age - Lammoth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last but one chapter of Nolo's Diary. Sorry you had to wait for so long

Three times the new object, Anar, passed above our heads before we left the ice and stood on the solid ground. It was like a dream to stand between hills and forests, listen to birds' songs. Now I know that this land wasn't as bautiful as we thought at the moment we saw it the first time, and that it was not as full of plants and animals. Yet at first it was more colorful and full of life than Pastures of Yavanna to us.

Now we are camping behind a valley between two hills, beside a river flowing from thr mountains ahead of us. It is full of fish, so we have both water and food. It is odd for us to have so many plants around us and all the sounds of the nature surprise us, for during the years of the journey we were walking through a silent wasteland. I am sure soon we will adjust to the fauna and flora.

About the noises. At first, when we came to this land, we noticed a sound unknown by any of us. It still rings between the hills and mountains, like an ecko of a horrible scream of fear and pain. Some say it is just wind, but I doubt wind could create such a painful and terrified noise. Also I know that voice - it is the voice of Morgoth. And I feel glad that I had to hear that he felt such terror. I pray Feanaro and his host caused it. Even if we are pleased to know he made this noise we will not stay here to listen to it - we will soon cross the mountains. Afte, r Helcaraxë crossing the mountains sounds like not a big deal.

~dawn of the next day.   
The page is covered with dark brown smudges, in many place words are hard to read, ink is blurred here and there as if there were drops of water falling on the page~

 

Valar, it is so hard! Oh, my beloved Anairë, please, forgive me! Arakáno, my young, reckless son, may your journey will be short.

It started around midnight, when Rana was behind clouds. First we heard a horn in a distance, then drums, nearing. Sentries ran to the camp from their posts, telling that a mass of beasts was going our way. We were surprised, but I suspected that those beasts were servants of Morgoth, those responsible for deaths of so many of the Sindar. I called my family and we quickly decided we could fight them back and keep our position. We were rested and our camp was beside a river - we could always retreat through the water. 

I must write it down, I know, but it is so hard! I'd rather focus on something else, on decribing the battle in details, even if it was one of the most horrible things I've ever seen. Yet I cannot. I must do this - the logical part of me is aware it'd help me. Yet it doesn't make it any bit easier.

Arakáno is gone. Arakáno, my young, reckless son is no longer at my side. He is no more among the living elves. He fell during the battle. I lost many of my friends an my daughter-in-law, but... 

Somehow, I was thinking that crossing the Ice would be the hardest, the most dangerous part of our way to Beleriand. We lost many of our peple tonight - a painful lesson never to think you are safe. 

My son was so young and excited to see Middle-Earth. Now he would not see it - at least not before leaving Mandos. I'm trying to find some relief in the thought that he would be reborn one day. I do hope we will meet again and I will be able to hold him in my arms again, tell him about this land he wanted to see so badly that he risked and lost so much... 

The battle is now over and we took care for our fallen ones, treated our wounded friends. The camp is silent, everyone mourning in silence, here and there people singing quietly laments. Tomorrow we will leave this Valar-forsaken place, try to find the group following Feanaro. We need to look forward and remain focused on our goals and things around us - little victories and failures cannot take our attention away from the present. We will meet our fallen friends and family again. The pain in our hearts will fade after some time and we should not let our grief keep us away from moving forward - our beloved ones wouldn't desire to hold us back. I am sure about that.

Arakáno, my reckless son, my brave son. You chaallenged the leader of the army of beasts and brought the hideous being to its knees, yet the price for that was your life. Your brave deed was enough to break the spirit of the foe and caused many of the beasts to flee in the woods. You saved so many of us... And yet I regret this, I regret that I couldn't be there to guard you, to help you.


	11. 5 F.A. - A new start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years passed. Fingolfin adds the last entry to his diary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of the Diary. It took a while, because I focused on so many other things.   
> I must say I had fun writing it and thinking about stuff related to it. I do hope you liked to read it

The past five years were... Hm, I think the best word would be 'busy'. We had a lot to do, a lot to learn. I didn't have time to write any entry or even remeber about this diary. I guess I should start a new one, since this chapter of my life - the chapter of Ice and Mist, death and despair - is ended. The Noldor will never cross Helcaraxë. We will remain here and will try to build a new society, create new lands and follow our dreams.

The Doom of the Valar did nothing to change our faith - we all are sinners who deseved this punishment. For we all are responsible for Alqualonde, no matter if some of us didn't kill any Teleri. We let that happen, we let Feanaro's rage lead us. But the sinners can atone, can return to grace - and that's what we want. We want to repay for every mistake and show we're better people now.

Teleri of Beleriand - Sindar - live South from us. I sent a messenger to their king, Thingol, to ask for his permission to stay in the Northern ladnds. I guess he'd allow us to create our house here - he'd have someone between himself and Angband. Angband's the lair of Morgoth and his slaves. It's one of the two dwellings Morgoth had in Eastern lands before the Awakening. He hides there now and we will do what we can to destroy him and his domain.

Feanaro is is Mandos, as is the youngerst of his sons. I do not believe I'll see them. Their oath was a mistake greater than one can imagine, they'll be never reborn. I will not speak to my brother again, I will not tell him everything I wanted to. I understand his rage and sorrow, but he betrayed his people, his House. And now there is no chance he could live again and undo his mistakes. Anger left me when I learned about his fate. I will try to remember him as he was, not trying to forget his wrong choices, but also not focusing only on them. 

Nelyo was captured by Morgoth, but is back with us, recovering. He is the heir of my brother and leader of his brothers and people. It's good he's back, I hope he will return to lead them soon. He's the most rasonable and sane of them all. Kano's too, but he lacks Nelyo's charisma and desire to lead. He's more focused on music and I think it's good. Cannot imagine all six of them trying to be leaders of the rest. 

The one responsible for Nelyo's return's Fingon, With help of the Valar he rescued Nelyo and brought him back home. Sadly Maedhros lost his right hand. Healers say he will return to health soon, but now he must learn to do things with only his left hand. I think about creating a shield for him, one he could use with his right hand while holding a sword in his left hand. I must confess I was a bit made at Fingong for running away without any word, going to Angband alone to help his friend. I was scared I could lose him. But he's back and everyone sees him as a hero. Those two made a miracle - the Noldor are no longer divided, moved by the power of their friendship. I am so proud of Fingon - of them both.

Wait, someone's calling me.

(A few days later)  
I can still remember Feanaro shouting about me trying to "steal his crown". I can remember myself replying calmly that I want to serve our people and I don't desire to be High King/

I remember the crowd of Noldor around me, calling me their king in the dim light of the stars and faint glow of fire on the water. That day I became High Kinging of those left behind. 

But as we reached Beleriand I knew I will be no longer High King. I thought I will become a king or a lord of a land. And now... Today Maedhros asked us all - House of Finwe and lords of the Noldor - to come to a meadow near the lake. There were also some other elves. Nelyo told us he still didn't recover from his time as a prisoner of Morgoth. But he sees that our people need a leader. He asked me to accept the crown and become High King of Noldor in Beleriand. And I was surprised to hear from the rest of them that they approve his choice, that they would follow me as long as I let them be kings in their lands.

And now Feanaro's nightmare came true - I became High King and not him. And Arafinwe's High King in Valinor. I wonder what our father thinks about it, what Feanaro thinks. Is he mad at me, because I am now what he should be? 

I believe we can build a great land here, join our forces to bring Morgoth down. I want Noldor to live and follow their dreams. I want to be as good leader as I could and I will do everything to protect my family and my people. They trust me and I will not rest until my dream comes true. I want to see one day a kingdom more beautiful than Eldamar, build by our own hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All places and characters belong to J. R. R. Tolkien (unless stated otherwise)  
> I am not a native speaker and have a bad case of dysgraphia. If you find a mistake in any of my texts feel free to send me a pw about that and I will fix it.


End file.
